HARDER>>>>>>>>>SO HARD THAT YOU THINK IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO ACTUALLY INFLICT THAT TYPE OF PAIN ON YOURSELF>>>and then do it a little harder to force yourself NOT to cry.
Disclaimer: This won't work when you are holding back tears for a long period of time. But for the unexpected arrival of tears and when kids are involved, it typically works.
What caused these feelings tonight? Well, in light of my brothers recent birthday, I won't ramble on for his sake (JR! CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!!).
The boys and I had some bonding moments over earning incentives by doing chores/things Mama asks of you etc. = bedtime was 10:30 vs the normal 7:30 = 3 hours past bedtime. 9x/10 results in meaningful conversations.
"Mom, will you still be my mom when I'm in Heaven?"
"Jared, of course I will. I will ALWAYS be your mom."
And now I can release these tears. Seriously, this took pinching the (pardon my language dad, but sincerely...)s-h-%-t out of myself to keep these tears from pouring down my face. As anyone can imagine, their 5 year old genuinely and with deep sadness, asking this question.
"Mom, will you still be my mom when you're in Heaven?"
"Absolutely, Jared. There is nothing that will keep me from being your mom."
"Mom, will you still be my mom when we're in Heaven?"
"Jared, I will always and forever be your mom. No matter where I am or where you are."
"Okay mom."
I am always honest with my kids about these type of things. It is not by "choice" if you will....but simply that I struggle to tell them a lie about this type of stuff. It's kind of like I struggle to spank them and then turn around and tell them not to hit their brother. To each their own. I just can't do it. Now my parents spanked me and if you hang around long enough, you will hear me ramble on about how blessed my brother and I have been to have been raised by our parents. So again, without any judgement, I will sincerely say...to each their own!
Given my honesty (sorry Jr., I now officially retract my refrain from rambling-on statement...)...side note: Jared startled me one day on the way home from school, when he commented "Mom, did you know that a baby was left in the car and he DIED?!?!?!" This was about 2 months ago, during the miserable August heat. I assumed he had to have heard it on the TV or radio somewhere. LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THAT WAS AN AWFUL CONVERSATION TO DISCUSS WITH YOUR 6 yr old & 4 yr old....as we all cringe at the thought when we hear about this happening each and every summer. Now to have my child ask me about this and to ask me if I would ever leave him in the car to die. Of course, we know that these parents who have made this fatal mistake, would have never chosen to...would have promised their kid it would NEVER happen to them, had they asked.
It ended with Jack asking if it hurt when a baby died in the hot car and this was the first time I lied and eliminated part of the truth. I told them "No, it does not hurt. The baby goes to sleep in the car and wakes up in Jesus's loving arms." Both boys accepted that and if you ever here Jack says it's good to die, just go with it, lol. His perspective: You get to see Jesus and God and Mary and play in Heaven. I've tried explaining that he is correct, but that the rest of his family will miss him greatly and therefore we are sad. He doesn't quite understand and still yells to the mountains so-to-speak "IT'S GREAT TO DIE!"
Back to tonight (you're welcome JR.!), I realized I needed to cheer Jared up a bit. So I related motherhood to a Hound Dog...
I got on all fours, threw him to the ground and told him that Hound Dogs could find anything, anywhere.
Ahhh, dang...sorry Jr. I give up. It's impossible in my mind to NOT tell a story-inside a story-inside a story-inside a story. Sorry!
The reason I came up with the Hound Dog analogy is because of the insane sense of smell I had/still have a little today and how he reminds me of how crazy my (his...now) sense of smell used to be! 2 recent examples: I eat 5 guys for lunch. 2 hours later, I park my car, walk inside, down multiple hallways, outside to a park to pick Jared up from summer school. He runs up and hugs me and immediately says he smells french fries. DUDE. It was windy that day. It had been 2+ hours. I didn't eat in the car (i.e. the bag was not sitting in my lap!). WTH????
2nd example: Earlier this week, Joshua and I have chick-fil-a for breakfast. I take the trash inside at 8:45am. I pick the boys up at 3pm. Literally the second Jared opens the car door, he says "I smell hash browns." He and I joke about what a freak of nature his sense of smell is!
Back to the Hound Dog...I begin sniffing on all fours, while exclaiming that NOTHING could keep me from being his Mom. I KNOW his sense of smell and no matter what he ever says/does, I WILL ALWAYS BE HIS MAMA. Then I tickle him and start smelling/tickling his belly. Jack hears all the ruckus and I kindly ask him to close the door ("to prevent waking Dada or Joshua up") and then chase the boys all over the room, as they beg for me to stop :):):):):) The giggles and laughter warm all of our hearts.
Then...I ask Jared why he was thinking/asking about me being his mom in Heaven. The boy rips another chunk out of my heart and drops his chin towards his bed and says "Mom, will you still be my mom even if I'm dead?"
In a split second, soooooo many thoughts flash before my mind...about boys/grown adults/CHUNK who have buried their moms...about the mom's who have buried their Son's/Daughter's.. about a story that I just read about a young mom whose 4 young kids are watching her fight her stage 4 brain cancer battle to the bitter end, with strength, courage and dignity (including a video message to Brittany Maynard)....and sooooooo many more precious, unimaginable, painful in the pit of your stomach stories that I've witnessed and ones that I've read about. It's almost too much for my heart to bear, but thankfully God always shows His strength when He desires to do so.
So I remind him of the Hound Dog strength and how nothing can stop him. He looks up from the covers with a big 'ol grin and says "Mom, I got a Hound Dog in my bed." Then he points to this gigantic, obnoxious stuffed dog that I'm so glad (i.e. God had a plan...like he always does) my mom bought for Jared for his birthday. No lie; it's bigger than Jared.
It sleeps on his bed. We continued to discuss why his "Big Dog" was now "Hound Dog" and all became well in my son's 5 year old heart.
Innocence is such bliss, especially through the eyes of a parent.
My sweet boy reminded me (at 10:45pm) that I had not read him a book. My normal reaction would be to count his blessings that he got to stay up this late, but tonight God gave me the Grace of Patience. I explained that I had to kiss Jack goodnight and if he was still awake, I would read him a book. He EXCITEDLY explained how sleep works, "Mom, I stay awake. First, my eyes look around. They see stuff. Then if nothing is interesting, they get reaaaaaaaalllllllly sleepy. Then they close their eyes and then I fall asleep! I will still be awake when you leave Jack's room."
5 minutes later...
So I read the book to Jack. He insisted we take a picture and had to choose which one :) I struggled posting me and my 1/2 shut-eye, but then decided that he loved this picture...so....so do I! It captured the memory of a happy night, where we worked and the boys earned their dimes. I explained to Jack how it was a "win-win! He went to sleep with a big 'ol grin on his face.
Can't beat that!!!
-2.JPG)
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